we eat

tumbl...r

2007-10-11T11:38:00.000-04:00

there is this commercial for hardees Man-Meat burger in which a body shop employee removes spray painted epithets of "you are a jerk" "i hate you" "you never told me you were courting another prospective mate" etc. It pans to a guy eating a juicy slab of beef while a voice over observes "sometimes having 2 girlfriends can just be expensive."

i now have two blogs. henceforth, i will be posting at this location on the world wide web.

question:

2007-10-04T09:45:00.001-04:00

do they have crosswords in china?

here's to alphabets

drugs not hugs

2007-10-02T09:29:00.000-04:00

they are picking their battles wisely.

good work, educators.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article1086839.ece

how i decided i needed my afternoon cup of coffee:

2007-09-13T15:18:00.001-04:00

as i walked out of the office bathroom, i threw my toothbrush into the trash and put the paper towel in my pocket.

one venti coffee of the day with no room for cream please.

break the mold

2007-09-12T16:58:00.000-04:00

Somebody once asked, "Could you spare some change for gas? I gotta get myself away from this place."

I said, "Yep. What a concept. I could use a little fuel myself. And we could all use a little change."

fowl play: assault with a feathered weapon

2007-08-23T11:49:00.000-04:00

“It felt like someone hit me with a ball bat or like a bird struck me in the side.”

-Reaction of Bill Bolechala of Oklahoma after being shot below the rib cage by a stray bullet from a police gun range. He is expected to make a full recovery and does not intend to press charges.

Hmmm…both similar sensations…you paint a vivid picture Bill…I can almost feel it.

Wait, was the bird wielding the bat or were the bird and the bat separate assailants all together?

Was that a hollow-beak or a full-metal duck?

HSMII

2007-08-22T12:38:00.000-04:00

This cultural travesty that is "infecting the young minds faster than bacteria" sold 615,361 copies of its soundtrack in its first week on the shelves. I work in a bank so I have a calculator on my desk and I am pretty good with numbers if I do say so myself. After a few clickity-clicks on my Sharp EL-1197P, I realized that Disney sold approximately 1.0174 CDs every second for 7 days straight. Breathtaking.

An excerpt from a song on the soundtrack entitled "Bet On It" :

I'm not gonna stop, that's who I am
I'll give it all I got, that is my plan
Will I find what I lost? You know you can
Bet on it, bet on Bet on it, bet on it (Bet on me)
I wanna make it right, that is the way
To turn my life around, today is the day
Am I the type of guy who means what I say?
Bet on it, bet on it

Somewhere the Arielle, Mufasa, and Iago are mourning the death of Disney.

game over for the human joystick

2007-08-21T16:32:00.000-04:00

I find it ironic that dog-fighting is illegal.

We have passed legislation against one of the most natural ocurances of nature - dogs fighting.

We act surprised when dogs bite kids' faces (or leave feces on persian rugs) but in reality we should be surprised when they don't do those things.

Dingos probably look at American dogs a mutter, "bitches..."

$free.99

2007-08-21T09:08:00.000-04:00

Think about how many free phones Verizon gives out. I'm not just talking about the refurbished ones they "gift" to you when your old one dies. They must give out hundreds of out-of-the-box brand new ones a year. I have one in my left pocket right now. The fact that they can charge $0.00 for a cellular telephone tells us one thing about Verizon -- they must be making a whole lot of profit on those other phone/laptop/email/television/mp3 player/organizer/camera/internet browser devices. It also tells us one thing about ourselves -- Verizon knows that we are suckers for that stuff, they know that if they offer a free phone and a $249 phone, there will be thousands of people who will choose the not-free phone. But when they offer the free phone or one of those somebody-else-brought-this-in-because-it-broke-and-we-kinda-fixed-it-up-but-you-still-have-to-use-your-old-battery-we-will-see-you-again-in-2-months-when-this-one-breaks refurbished phones, it somehow makes them look generous, like they are doing us a favor by giving us free stuff! Not true, they are only able to do that because of the exorbitant profit they are bringing in off of all that other stuff (read: ringtones, aforementioned devices, V-cast, text messaging, 50 year contracts, and mysterious "activation fees" and "other taxes").

Phones should never cost more than $100, ever. I offer this challenge to citizens and subscribers of "the network" -- only buy phones that are under $100. The next time you are perusing the mobiles that are zip tied and tethered to the displays, ask yourself "do i want a free phone or a $300 phone?" Start a revolution.

"I don't care if I fall as long as someone else picks up my gun and keeps on shooting.”
~Razr Guevara

dude man you just dont understand the brotherhoodship you like feel after pledging with your bros of your pledge class like its hard but like dude

2007-08-20T13:09:00.000-04:00

TGIWIAF

you always wonder what happens to fraternity "brothers" after they graduate.

Footnote: This information was submitted by field reporter Taylor Forry, AP

(apologies to any fraternity brothers who are not douches)

Make Mr. Kroc Proud

2007-08-20T11:32:00.000-04:00

I was walking on 44th and i noticed an older man - dapperly dressed with bow tie and matching pocket square complementing a pinstriped, gray suit - sitting cross legged on the sidewalk with what looked to be food stuffs displayed in front of him. As a approached I noticed that the array displayed on his makeshift table consisted of a half dozen peeled potatoes and a carrot. Amused and a bit intrigued, I mistakenly made eye contact with the spud salesman. Holding up a half naked potato in one hand and a glistening peeling device in the other, he pounced with the instinct of Willy Loman - "Do you want to make french fries?!" he probed with an urgency that caused me to slow my pace and actually ponder his inquiry. Did I? No, I did not. Had the question been "do you you want me to make french fries for you?" my answer may have been different - I just didn't have the time for the labor intensive nature of his offer.

Support entrepreneurship in your villages and neighborhoods.

do me a favor - open the door - and let them in

2007-08-17T13:55:00.000-04:00

The emergency bell in one of the elevators at work is indescriminantly vacilating between off and "blare and i am about to staple my lobes together. the silver lining of this situation is that it just so happens that this exact bell was used in the recording of the Saved By the Bell theme song (how it ended up working in an elevator in manhattan, i have no idea but i guess such is the plight of washed up actors from the 80s - at least its not strung out and/or on a VH1 reality show).

Every time the bell ceases, I find my self singing, "when i wake up in the mornin..." before it starts up again.

Bzzz - Bzzz - Bzzz

2007-07-12T12:49:00.000-04:00

The vibrate feature on mobile cellular telephones is in the top ten greatest innovations of the last 50 years.

Loud, obnoxious ring tones are so 2002.

Verizon just announced they are releasing "vibetones," which are "songs by your favorite popstars, such as JT, Kenny Chesney, and Nickleback, played entirely by vibrations"

we gotta redefine, take the time, draw the line

2007-06-26T15:40:00.000-04:00

i was just informed that this blog does in fact certifiably suck. Now I would not ordinarily accept this information as fact, however in this specific case the verdict was levied from a more than reputable source. The blogger-extraordinaire from whose mouth (read: fingers) came the phrase "your blog sucks" is a man whose reputation speaks for itself. Just one surfing glance at his blog and you know this LaBlog James runs the show. With references to T-Paine, Katie Couric, Hurricane Chris, Bow Wow, and Spiderman: The Musical, (all in just the last 27 days!!!) when this blogger types, you take it as the blog-damn gospel.

This being said, I want to earnestly appologize to all of my adoring fans for inadvertantly providing them with a blog that sucks.

For a truely inspired and unspeakably genius page of wit and insight, visit http://http://briankurtzman.blogspot.com/

over and out.

First of many Whitman installments

2007-05-09T13:02:00.000-04:00

What is there more, that I lag and pause and crouch extended with unshut mouth?
Is there a single final farewell?

My songs cease, I abandon them,
From behind the screens where I hid I advance personally solely to you.

[an excerpt from So Long! (1860) ]

One more cup of coffee before I go

2007-05-09T10:59:00.000-04:00

Woke up with this song playing in my head...perhaps a glorious forshadowing of future times on the horizon, on this my last day of college.

Mozambique

I like to spend some time in Mozambique
The sunny sky is aqua blue
And all the couples dancing cheek to cheek.
It's very nice to stay a week or two.

There's lots of pretty girls in Mozambique
And plenty time for good romance
And everybody likes to stop and speak
To give the special one you seek a chance
Or maybe say hello with just a glance.

Lying next to her by the ocean
Reaching out and touching her hand,
Whispering your secret emotion
Magic in a magical land.

And when it's time for leaving Mozambique,
To say goodbye to sand and sea,
You turn around to take a final peek
And you see why it's so unique to be
Among the lovely people living free
Upon the beach of sunny Mozambique.

-Bob Dylan

It will make you a better person if you download this album: Desire by Bob Dylan

music that drips poetry from a crooning soul

Chi Rundi - A Multicultural Affair

2007-05-08T15:03:00.000-04:00

UPenn's All-male Hindi A Cappella - give them a listen

Rolling Stone calls them "Chi Rho but with a Dharmic twist."

but dont take them too seriously...

jo-nala

2007-04-27T23:02:00.000-04:00

workin on her roar...

god, i love this girl.

rub a dub dub

2007-04-03T10:36:00.000-04:00

some one is power washing our house...without my consent...
but its ok...i'm going to let them proceed.

thank you for the random act of power washing, sir.

gotta go gotta go gotta go right now

2007-03-22T13:07:00.000-04:00

i am sitting in class and i have to pee so bad. but there is only 10 minutes left...if i leave, the class will be over by the time i get back. im gonna tough it out.

Patronize that.

2007-03-22T12:42:00.000-04:00

Xia Asian Fusion Cuisine, is money. Eat the food. Drink the beverages. Bask in the ambiance.

ebb and flow

2007-03-21T17:52:00.000-04:00

i gotta do some laundry.

tide.

a cappella music is inherently lame so it is an uphill battle.

2007-03-18T17:53:00.000-04:00

Album title: here is what i know now

Artist: Chirho

Release date: April 21st

Location: Wait Chapel, Wake Forest University

Predicted sales: Double Platinum

Go here for more information.

a day at the zoo

2007-03-18T17:47:00.000-04:00

wild animal in our house

and boom goes the dynamite

2007-03-18T17:19:00.000-04:00

we never rest in our quest to be the best at pissing off our neighbors (the teacher with the dog, the construction worker with a boyfriend, the drunk with a trailer, the 100 year old woman, and the 500 pound man)

saw a guy at the bar with one...

2007-03-18T17:14:00.000-04:00

cigarette cases: cool or gay?